Life Lessons from the Heart

My husband is fond of the expression “ages and stages.” While that phrase may apply to many situations, it applies well to family and relationships within the family. No matter how much love exists, family is complex, and there are challenges during each stage of life because the dynamics are the everchanging nature.

Before I begin, let me offer this caveat. Many of my readers ask where I get my information. Most of it has been gleaned from the schools of experience and some hard knocks. The people I write about are those I have known personally.  Most importantly, survival has depended on my reliance on God and how He has taught me to live. I am in the final stages of life and have experienced much of this post.

For the newly married, the challenge is blending two families into one. Each person brings a set of values, traditions, and plans to the union. The challenge is to mold these into the unique blend that will be their family. It is a process of give and take. It can be as simple as how to fry potatoes to the most profound spiritual beliefs and goals for the future. If they are wise,  they discussed these things before marriage or sought premarital counseling. They can find a plethora of books to guide them. Some areas to consider would be relationships with both sets of extended family, how to spend holidays, and most importantly, if and when to have children.

Before starting a family, couples should agree on where God will be placed in their family. From experience,  I am sure they will need his guidance. They should discuss discipline and what role grandparents will play in their family. When children are small, there is the challenge of being vigilant for the safety and mental and physical growth of those children. Care seems constant and, sometimes, draining.  These couples need to take time for themselves. Amazingly, our children can survive a few hours out of our care. I remember being so protective that my husband told the nursery workers at church, “The baby is old enough for the nursery; it’s the mom that’s not.” If babysitters are too expensive, trade out with friends. Couples must have time to nurture their children and build their relationships. The most important gift we can give our children is for them to see our love for each other.

School-age children bring on the responsibility of homework and outside activities. Fortunately, this stage is easier to ease into. While each child is different, the first school years are generally scripted by what is expected at each grade level. Becoming parents of preteens and teens is a whole new ballgame. It seems that overnight, an entirely new set of responsibilities appear. The child is kicking at the traces of becoming an adult and making decisions. At this age, school activities multiply. The teen wants to learn to drive and test his or her wings. From my experience, the wings are far more challenging than the roots. The only way we survived those years was by constant prayer. Kids without boundaries struggle far more than those who receive loving guidance.

Ah, the empty nest. For some parents, this means freedom. Their children are going to college or getting married, and adjustments must be made again. I often tell my boys they are lucky because I made most of my mistakes when their sister left home. It took a while to keep my opinions to myself. The wedding gift every parent needs to give is to refrain from advice unless asked. For other parents, this time is painful. If their lives revolved around their children and excluded others, they will discover they are very lonely.

Grandchildren are a whole new stage. Love them. Spend time with them, and if possible, let their parents raise them. I realize not everyone has that option.  Life is not always fair, and grandparents might have to take on a second family. That is one area I have not dealt with, so I am not qualified to speak to this issue. My best advice is to grab onto the acronym FROG – Fully Rely on God.

Next is the sandwich generation, when grown children are squeezed between their children and aging parents. It seems both parents and children have demands and needs. The sandwich generation and the empty nest may overlap. Again, balance is essential; both can drain your reserve if you do not find a happy medium.

For aging parents, the challenge is making grown children respect them and their choices. Children often are forced to become decision-makers. Just as it was for empty nesters, knowing when to change roles is difficult. Aging parents can help by downsizing and developing relationships beyond the family. They can care for their health as well as possible and ensure their health wishes and final arrangements are clear as well as setting aside money to help with end of life expenses. A friend suffering from dementia always prayed to be kind, even though she may have forgotten everything else.

Conversely, adult children can keep in touch through a call, note, or short visit which can alleviate inevitable loneliness. Remember special occasions, especially if the person has lost a spouse. Hear their heart. Grant them dignity by checking their schedules and listening to their stories. Someday, you will wish you had. Remember that they have invested love and time into you for a long time. Whether you followed their example or not, they have influenced who you are today.

One of God’s first acts was to create the family. He needs to be the cornerstone of every stage. He knew the challenges from the beginning of time because he created a guidebook by speaking of the family in the scriptures. It is the foundation for succeeding in every stage. He commanded that couples cleave to one another, love and honor their spouses, and instruct their children. Children should honor their parents, and that is only the foundation. As usual, problems arise when people step out of the will of God.

Each stage of the family requires a certain amount of grace. It helps to bathe your family in prayer. Family is complex, but the blessings are many. God says, “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with your whole heart.” Jeremiah 29:1 NIV

When Is Enough, Enough

Today’s society is caught up in the quest for more, and people have lost sight of when enough is enough. Parents work long hours to give their children everything but time. People sacrifice for retirement, only to lose their health and/or lives before they can enjoy it. There has to be a happy medium. We must seek balance.

William Wordsworth once said, “The world is too much with us late and soon. Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers.” That was written in the 1800s. I shudder to think what he would say today. Since I retired, I have worked in estate sales, and I am awed by what people own and no one wants. Big houses stand empty and alone.

I wonder as I write this how much money has been invested in eternity. Have you been too busy to attend your child’s special occasions and events, or to have a meal each day together? When you are gone, what will your children remember? Leaving behind a pile of money will probably not make up for lost time. We all want our children to have enough. We must determine what that is.

Have you spent time with aging parents? When they are gone, will you have regrets? I wish I had asked more questions, and called more. and certainly, visited more.

How much have you invested in ministry? Whether you are a churchgoer or not, there are so many in need. Have you helped Veterans, the homeless, or the sick? Or, do your time and money go toward getting and spending and adding to your pleasure and possessions? No one begrudges you for what you have, but so many are in need. Ministry requires more than taking your used clothes to a giveaway center. How much time have you given to others whether through your church or generosity?

I hope you will take a moment to evaluate. Life is entirely too short to waste. Remember that the journey is short, and you do not know when you will take your last breath. What legacy will you leave behind? How will you be remembered?

A few suggestions:

• Plug into your church or find one. The eternal rewards are far more worthwhile.
• Check with Charity Navigators to see how they rate charities, and how to see that your money is well spent.
• Donate your time, even if it is only to sit with an elderly person alone in a restaurant or take time to hold a door for someone. Look around; the possibilities are endless.

Happy hunting as you seek ways to extend your enough to others.

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The gift of gratitude is one of the most important lessons parents can impart to their children. We live in a world where too many folks take things for granted, and gratitude should be the realization that we should express our thanks for not only the gifts we receive but also for simple kindnesses shown to us every day.

Christian parents begin by teaching their children to say thank you to God with mealtime prayers and bedtime prayers. This habit will connect to gratitude for more important things as the children see God at work in their lives.

Parents continue by encouraging even the youngest child to say “thank you” when given something. Parents re-enforce this by modeling the same thing when a child does something for them. It is in the circle of life that gratitude begets gratitude.

Learning to write thank-you notes is a vital social skill. Small children can draw a picture to include with the parent’s thank you note or write their names on a thank you card. If you begin early to teach a child, it will not be a battle when graduations, showers, and weddings come along. Email is not an appropriate thank you, nor is handing out thank you notes at church or school.

If someone cares enough to spend the time and money to purchase a gift, postage, or gas to deliver the present, that person deserves the respect of a handwritten thank you note.

A good rule of thumb for a thank you note is to thank the person for the specific gift one receives, tell how you will use the gift, and end the note by thanking the person for remembering you on the particular occasion.

When my son graduated from high school, he received a five-dollar bill from an elderly neighbor. He sent a note thanking her for the gift and adding that he would add it to his savings for a VCR. She stopped me on the street to say how much his note had meant when she had so little to give.

Remember that thank you should not only apply to gifts. Grateful people recognize the service of others. Everyone can use a kind word. Some of my most treasured possessions are letters from students who left my classroom. Pastors need to know that their sermons are not in vain. The waitress at your table can use a good tip and an expression of gratitude. Someone once told me that the best friends to make at work were secretaries and custodians. You can establish that by simply being grateful for their services.

Help your children master the art of gratitude by seeing it reflected in your life.

Gratitude has a special magic that puts a smile on the face of the recipient and joy in the giver’s heart.

“Rejoice always, pray continuously, give thanks in all

circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Of all the gifts a parent can give a child, the gift of wings is probably the most difficult. Most parents are nurturers, and they will do anything possible to protect their children. Giving children wings means allowing them to make decisions, which is a test of all the parents have taught along the way.

Wings begin the first day a parent allows the child to play outside alone, the first day the child walks into school alone, and the first overnight visit with someone besides family. Dating and driving a car alone come shortly after. After years of being “in charge,” the parent must trust that his son or daughter will make wise choices, as will the others he or she is with.

Our church had a bus wreck on the way to a retreat when our daughter was a baby, and nineteen young people died. The first time I put my two older children on a bus to a church retreat, I was a basket case. I cried for three hours after they left. I let fear consume me.

While they were gone, I realized that God loved them even more than I did, and I had to trust their safety to Him. It was a life-changing event.

No one can assure the safety of our children. We live in a world where bad things happen. I learned I had to rely on God to care for them, and the training my husband and I gave them would allow them to make wise decisions. It is not an easy thing.

Cell phones and apps did not exist when our children were growing up, and we did not know where they were every moment, but I think that may have been a blessing. Today, parents can trace their children’s every move, and I believe that makes it even harder to let go when the time comes. Be wise in reducing your watch care.

When my youngest son was in high school, he asked why he had to be in at a specific time. “Don’t you trust me?” I assured him that I trusted him, but I did not everyone else who would be out later than his curfew.

For years, a plaque hung in our home that read, “The most important gifts we give our children are roots and wings.”

I felt my children were a gift given to me by God to love and protect. So how do I give them wings and keep them safe? These are some of the ways I found:

• Invest in their lives by teaching them the dangers to watch for. This generation faces challenges we did not even imagine. Don’t hide your head in the sand about what those are. Educate them about drugs, alcohol, and stranger danger.
• Trust them in small things and move to the more significant issues as they mature. Prom night does not fall under the same rules as dinner and a movie. Set reasonable curfews, and then change your expectations as they prove they are trustworthy. A family I know of set three alarm clocks and expected each child to turn off the alarm when they came in. I am not sure the parents ever went to sleep, but it gave the children a sense of responsibility for being in on time.
• Encourage them to check in with you if they are late. Things happen, but it should never become a habit to be late.
• Pray for guidance in the freedoms you allow and bathe them in prayer, even when they are no longer in your home.
• Don’t make trust a one-way street. Help your children know that they can trust you to keep your word by not checking on their every move.
• Return the courtesy by checking in when you will be late.
• Most importantly, tend the roots you have established as they were growing up.

Your children will probably make mistakes, but that can happen even if you are at their sides every moment. If possible, guide them to rectify the errors, but don’t lay a guilt trip on them. Again, each day is the first day of the rest of their lives. If you walk them through mistakes with love, you will not suffer the loss of a broken relationship. A child needs to know that his parents will be in his corner even when the world goes awry.

I am not attempting to make this sound easy, and it definitely isn’t! Letting go is one of the most difficult challenges we face as parents. However, if you have planted roots in their lives, you will find that the wings will be far more manageable. Be sure that both you and your children are rooted in scripture and the love of God. He will walk you through the challenges because His love never fails.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua1:9

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When my youngest son was in high school, he asked why he had to be in at a specific time. “Don’t you trust me?” I assured him that I trusted him, but I did not everyone else who would be out later than his curfew.

For years, a plaque hung in our home that read, “The most important gifts we give our children are roots and wings.”

I felt my children were a gift given to me by God to love and protect. So how do I give them wings and keep them safe? These are some of the ways I found:

One of the most important gifts we can give our children is the gift of roots. As a mother, grandmother, teacher, and now a CASA volunteer, I have seen the need for children to feel valued and belong. The longing for roots is why children in the foster care system who are not given a stable, loving home age out of the system and return to the exact condition they were removed from. They long for a family connection.

As a parent, one needs to provide an atmosphere of acceptance. Even when the child messes up, he needs to know that this is the first day of the rest of his life, and he has the opportunity to begin again. Parents have the unique opportunity to correct behavior while still showing the child he is loved and valued.

Roots mean a child has a place to come home to. A child in my son’s second-grade class many years ago suffered public humiliation at the hands of his parents. My son wept in my arms, saying, “Oh Mama, who do you have to love you when your mommy and daddy turn against you?” We must be a refuge for hurting hearts and a haven for joy.

Roots mean that a parent grounds a child spiritually. Children are only in our homes for a short time, and we need to give them a foundation that includes knowing that God loves them unconditionally. The world will often be unkind, but God loved us so much that He sacrificed His own Son that we might know that love personally. Our children need that as a basis for their lives.

Roots recognize the child’s limitations and celebrate the child’s accomplishments. Not every child will be a star athlete or outstanding student, and showing up and doing the best he can is a reason to celebrate a child’s accomplishments.

 When my daughter was in high school, I asked her coach if she played well, and he answered was, “She’s an excellent basketball player.”

My reply, “Coach, if you will tell her that, she will play her heart out for you. She is used to being told when she does something well.” He began some team-building activities that built all the team’s self-esteem, and those girls won district for the first time in years. Children respond to sincere praise, and they need the reinforcement that they are doing the best they can, win or lose.

While there are no foolproof ways to create roots, the following are starting places:

• Establish family time and traditions. Carve out two hours a week dedicated to doing something as a family. Include everyone. Make sure that holidays have meaning, and make them unique to your family dynamic.
• Choose a time to ban phones and talk to each other. Add that to the family time or mealtime.
• Worship together. Nothing gives a family roots better than a shared love of God.
• Be involved in your children’s lives – friends, activities, and dreams.

No one denies that these things take time, but nothing is sweeter than the door opening and a voice calling out, “Mom, Dad, I’m home.”

“Children are a gift from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.”

Psalm 173:3 NIV

How’s your tender loving care quotient? For what or for whom have you been appointed as a caregiver?

My daughter gave me a tiny poinsettia plant in a two-inch pot right before Thanksgiving, and it is still alive. It has a simple ribbon reaching through the soil to the bottom of the flower pot. As long as I put water enough to cover the bottom, the ribbon draws the water up, and the tiny plant continues to put on new growth. To tell the truth, in the last four months, it’s gotten pretty scraggly, but an hour after adding water, it perks up and puts on new leaves. I don’t pretend to have a green thumb, but as long as I care for that plant, it continues to thrive.

My pastor’s children show animals, and I have seen bathing, grooming, and training pictures. Not only has it provided an income, but it has taught them the importance of proper care.

Tender loving care applies to people in much the same way that plants grow or animals mature and thrive. Whatever season of life folks are in, they blossom with a loving touch, a gentle smile, or a kind word.

I am a CASA volunteer, and I see children go from defeated and withdrawn to glowing individuals when they discover someone cares about them. I have watched their faces light up with just a phone call or brief visit. More importantly, I have seen children race to the arms of adoptive parents who sit on the witness stand pledging to love these children for the rest of their lives.

We live in a retirement community, and the average age is 84. Although we are not near that age, I believe the secret to longevity is partially attributable to neighbors who care and a community that offers an active life. Hence, the residents live longer and like it. Too often, older people are left to their own devices because their children become too busy or disinterested to check on them regularly.

All of God’s creation is worthy of tender loving care, and we are the tenders of the beautiful world he has created – plant, animal, people – no matter the age. We have the privilege of being caregivers and following the admonition of the bible to love one another.

This week, I challenge you to look around for the opportunity to provide a bit of extra tender loving care. It does not take much to make a difference. It may be a drop of water, a warm smile, or an investment of your time. You have no idea what your kindness may mean. In fact, you may never know, but the idea is to see a need and fill it with love and tenderness.

“A new command I give to you. Love one another.

As I have loved you. You must love one another. John 13:23

The Struggle of Choosing a Word for the Year

Choosing a word to direct one’s thoughts and actions during a new year is sometimes a struggle. It is meaningful because it gives direction, but it must be a word one wants to live with. It is January 31, 2022, and I am just now posing this blog.

A few years ago, my daughter encouraged each family member to choose a word for the year, and she even made ornaments to use as a reminder throughout the year. Last year, I selected the word, focus, and it was perfect for directing my thoughts for the months to come. After two years of isolation from Covid, a move to a new city, and the painful downsizing of our home, I needed to focus on the future.

I had to remind myself throughout the year to focus and re-focus. It is never easy to begin again.

The struggle for choosing a word to guide the new year has been challenging. I wrestled with many words in my vocabulary, only to discard them one by one.

When 2022 began, I was unsure what word would give me direction. As I sought an answer, the word, purpose, kept coming to mind. But, who really knows the purpose for being on this earth? I know the Holy Spirit directs our steps, but know my purpose? That was a different question.

The longer I pondered it, I dealt with “Why choose a word in the first place?”

Several sources on the internet suggested we select a word to clarify who we want to become and what we want to accomplish. To put it simply, “What is my Why?” What do I want to look back on at the end of this year?

The Bible says, “I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.” That means that I should seek to live purposely for this season, and I need to set goals for my actions with my family, community, and church if I genuinely want abundant life.

I recently began volunteering with an organization that feeds the homeless. Susie Homemaker I am not, but I have a servant’s heart. I may not cut the perfect cake slices, but I can serve others. I can’t create recipes, but I can follow directions.

I challenge you to choose a word to direct your steps this year. Grab a dictionary or thesaurus, but mostly, just listen to the still small voice of your heart.

I don’t expect to know the full extent of God’s purpose for my life at the end of this year, but I cherish the opportunity to look back at where he led me for this season.

‘Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.'” Isaiah 30:21

As I began the new year, I learned several “God” lessons from my desktop computer. I struggled with procrastination as I decided what to write to start the year. Then, my computer shut down, and I unplugged it, jiggled the cords, and pressed buttons to no avail. In fact, I did that several times.

Finally, a message popped up. “You need to restart your computer.”

What did it think I had been doing, for crying out loud! There’s a lot of stuff on there that I can not lose.

As my frustration grew, a new message appeared, telling me to wait for updates. It updated and updated again.

As I waited, I began to see a correlation between the computer and my own life.

The house was silent after the children returned to their homes after Christmas, and it was easy to drift into a lazy routine. I had made a lot of promises to myself and to God:

• Be regular in Bible study and prayer.
•  Choose a word for the year.
• Work on a book I am writing
• Finish some online courses

Those were all good things; it was easier to just drift along. After all, Christmas had just ended, and the new year had hardly started. I needed to reboot and get started. I needed to put into action all the ideas which rolled around in my head and heart when our move to a new home took precedence over everything else.

I needed to update my attitude. Isn’t it wonderful that God gives us a new day, a new year, and new chances to begin again? He asks nothing more that we greet each new day and accept its challenges with confidence in him.

I realized I must save what is essential:

• Relationships – I am not good at forgetting, even when I forgive.
• Memories – I am not promised to always have the ability to remember, so I must relish those I have now and review them often.
• Time – I must make the best use of the time God has allowed me. No one knows when he will live his last day, and I need to make the most of each hour.

As the days of the new year rush by, I challenge you to join me in rebooting, updating, and saving what’s genuinely important in our everyday lives. It will be worth the effort,  for He promises He has a plan for each of us, and we don’t want to miss out on what is in store.

This is the day that the Lord has made; we will

rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 228:24

Transition is an art. Unfortunately, I have not mastered it yet, and I am definitely under construction. I don’t have the answers, but I am blessed to know the One who does.

In early June 2021, my husband and I rather suddenly decided to move to a retirement community in a new town. We sorted through our belongings from fifty years of marriage, down-sized, sold our house, and moved, all in five weeks.

I was going to settle in, write my blog, and wait patiently for the remodeling of our home while living in a one-bedroom apartment. All I did was wait (and not patiently). I have written nothing in six months, and I am behind in answering two hundred comments. Please allow me to apologize to those who have been gracious enough to leave those comments.

My intentions from this point are to write and to take time to respond regularly, to take time to meet new friends and cherish the old, and to live each day with gratitude for the blessings I have received.

Each of us will encounter times of transition. You may be a young person looking to your future. You may be newly married, a harried parent, or an empty nester. You may be in the sandwich generation with needy children and/or parents squeezing your life. You may be a senior citizen wondering just what “the golden years” are.

Whatever you are facing, I can assure you that If you know Him, God is walking before you and will never leave or forsake you. He has your name written on the palm of His hand, and He has a plan for each step you make,  even when you cannot see where it leads. He is waiting patiently to guide you through your current season, and the wonderful truth is He is only a prayer away.

Life has unexpected turns, and I have to admit this transition has seemed more difficult in our golden years. However, I have no regrets,  and I am eagerly waiting to see what God has planned for us in this new season. I hope you will continue the journey with us.

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the

God is faithful. That doesn’t mean we will never have trouble in our lives, but I have found that promise to be true in my own lifetime and time and time again. Recently, I had the opportunity to experience it in a new way.

I went to Oklahoma on a family matter and was having a pity party because things did not go as planned.  The situation has seemed endless, and I just kept asking why.

Since everything else was on hold, I was hoping to get home in time to attend my grandsons’ tennis match in another city. It was their last opportunity to play together before the older boy would graduate from high school later this month.

 I got a late start, and the trip began badly when I got on I 44 and had a blowout on my right front tire. I was alone, and a bit unnerved, but I had AAA and some kind gentlemen who stopped to help me. Fortunately, I was only 12 miles from a Walmart where I could get a new tire.

The real test of my faith came several hours later when I was on a dark, deserted highway and came to a one-lane passage with a stoplight saying I needed to wait seven minutes before going forward. It was ten-thirty at night, and I was scared. I had no idea what might be in the trees to the side of the road.

I don’t know about you, but I am always more afraid in the dark. In fact, I was terrified.

As I waited for the light to change, I prayed. I had already seen God’s presence in the daylight as he provided help with the tire, but this was an entirely different thing. When the light changed, I started up an incline on a one-lane bridge with no side rails. It seemed to go on forever but couldn’t have been over a five-minute drive.

Things in Oklahoma had not gone as I had hoped, but I believe God took the challenges of this trip to show me he is ever-present in daylight or dark, in victory or disappointment. He is faithful, and even in our darkest moments,  He does not leave us alone. The trip will end; the family issue will end. The choice becomes ours to recognize His hand in our lives and take heart as we claim his promises.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…The Lord

Your God goes with you. He will never leave nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6