Ages and Stages: Surviving the Challenges of Family Dynamics

My husband is fond of the expression “ages and stages.” While that phrase may apply to many situations, it applies well to family and relationships within the family. No matter how much love exists, family is complex, and there are challenges during each stage of life because the dynamics are the everchanging nature.

Before I begin, let me offer this caveat. Many of my readers ask where I get my information. Most of it has been gleaned from the schools of experience and some hard knocks. The people I write about are those I have known personally.  Most importantly, survival has depended on my reliance on God and how He has taught me to live. I am in the final stages of life and have experienced much of this post.

For the newly married, the challenge is blending two families into one. Each person brings a set of values, traditions, and plans to the union. The challenge is to mold these into the unique blend that will be their family. It is a process of give and take. It can be as simple as how to fry potatoes to the most profound spiritual beliefs and goals for the future. If they are wise,  they discussed these things before marriage or sought premarital counseling. They can find a plethora of books to guide them. Some areas to consider would be relationships with both sets of extended family, how to spend holidays, and most importantly, if and when to have children.

Before starting a family, couples should agree on where God will be placed in their family. From experience,  I am sure they will need his guidance. They should discuss discipline and what role grandparents will play in their family. When children are small, there is the challenge of being vigilant for the safety and mental and physical growth of those children. Care seems constant and, sometimes, draining.  These couples need to take time for themselves. Amazingly, our children can survive a few hours out of our care. I remember being so protective that my husband told the nursery workers at church, “The baby is old enough for the nursery; it’s the mom that’s not.” If babysitters are too expensive, trade out with friends. Couples must have time to nurture their children and build their relationships. The most important gift we can give our children is for them to see our love for each other.

School-age children bring on the responsibility of homework and outside activities. Fortunately, this stage is easier to ease into. While each child is different, the first school years are generally scripted by what is expected at each grade level. Becoming parents of preteens and teens is a whole new ballgame. It seems that overnight, an entirely new set of responsibilities appear. The child is kicking at the traces of becoming an adult and making decisions. At this age, school activities multiply. The teen wants to learn to drive and test his or her wings. From my experience, the wings are far more challenging than the roots. The only way we survived those years was by constant prayer. Kids without boundaries struggle far more than those who receive loving guidance.

Ah, the empty nest. For some parents, this means freedom. Their children are going to college or getting married, and adjustments must be made again. I often tell my boys they are lucky because I made most of my mistakes when their sister left home. It took a while to keep my opinions to myself. The wedding gift every parent needs to give is to refrain from advice unless asked. For other parents, this time is painful. If their lives revolved around their children and excluded others, they will discover they are very lonely.

Grandchildren are a whole new stage. Love them. Spend time with them, and if possible, let their parents raise them. I realize not everyone has that option.  Life is not always fair, and grandparents might have to take on a second family. That is one area I have not dealt with, so I am not qualified to speak to this issue. My best advice is to grab onto the acronym FROG – Fully Rely on God.

Next is the sandwich generation, when grown children are squeezed between their children and aging parents. It seems both parents and children have demands and needs. The sandwich generation and the empty nest may overlap. Again, balance is essential; both can drain your reserve if you do not find a happy medium.

For aging parents, the challenge is making grown children respect them and their choices. Children often are forced to become decision-makers. Just as it was for empty nesters, knowing when to change roles is difficult. Aging parents can help by downsizing and developing relationships beyond the family. They can care for their health as well as possible and ensure their health wishes and final arrangements are clear as well as setting aside money to help with end of life expenses. A friend suffering from dementia always prayed to be kind, even though she may have forgotten everything else.

Conversely, adult children can keep in touch through a call, note, or short visit which can alleviate inevitable loneliness. Remember special occasions, especially if the person has lost a spouse. Hear their heart. Grant them dignity by checking their schedules and listening to their stories. Someday, you will wish you had. Remember that they have invested love and time into you for a long time. Whether you followed their example or not, they have influenced who you are today.

One of God’s first acts was to create the family. He needs to be the cornerstone of every stage. He knew the challenges from the beginning of time because he created a guidebook by speaking of the family in the scriptures. It is the foundation for succeeding in every stage. He commanded that couples cleave to one another, love and honor their spouses, and instruct their children. Children should honor their parents, and that is only the foundation. As usual, problems arise when people step out of the will of God.

Each stage of the family requires a certain amount of grace. It helps to bathe your family in prayer. Family is complex, but the blessings are many. God says, “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with your whole heart.” Jeremiah 29:1 NIV